March 4, 2011

• Matt and the Speeding Ticket

   

  As some of you may know, I am a bit of a poet. And as most of you know, I am a tad bit of a comic. Sometimes, I like to combine the two. Not necessarily poetry, but writing. (Like my Invention of the Century piece). And my English course requires me to do quite a bit of writing. Sometimes stories, sometimes ballads, sometimes poems. But I get tired of writing the expected response, and since my teacher doesn’t read the stuff anyway, from time to time, I spice it up a little.

  In my English, we frequently have to do a “finish the story” thing: you know, they start a story, and you have to finish it, only they give you something you have to include. Well, the story was Matt was on his way to the grocery store, when a police officer pulled him over to warn him that his left rear brake light was out. Well, when he got home, his mother told him their neighbor, Mrs. Selfwill, had called, saying Matt had gotten pulled over, and she believed it was for speeding. That’s where I come in, to give Matt’s reply. Simple, right? Just say,”No Mom.” And move on, right? Wrong. Not this time.

  So, keeping in mind the theme is “truthful,” and that I have to use metaphors, examples, and similes, I begin…

  Matt shook his head in disbelief. Why Mrs. Selfwill assumed he was speeding, he had no idea. He began telling his mother what really happened.

  “While I was on my way to the grocery store, I saw a man trying to steal an old lady’s purse, so I stopped to help. I opened my door and rushed at him like Troy Polamalu rushed Aaron Rogers, but before I got to him, he drew a gun on me as quick as Fast Draw McGraw. I thought my life was over like Lindsey Lohan’s career, when suddenly the old lady roundhouse kicks the guy in the face like that one time Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked someone in the face so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying. Needless to say, the guy dropped like a wet sack of potatoes! She finished him off with a Pile Driver that Hulk Hogan would’ve admired! Then she jumped in the driver’s seat of my car and yelled,’Hop in, kid!’ So I did as I was told, and suddenly, I’m at the Daytona 500! Or that’s how it seemed, she was weaving in and out of traffic at top speed! As she drove, she informed me that the man that attacked her was a Russian spy trying to ‘eliminate’ her. When I asked why, she told me she was a secret agent, like James Bond! As she skillfully maneuvered our careening rocket between traffic, we realized we were being followed. So she reached into her purse, pulled out an Uzi, and handed it to me, telling me to scare them off. I’m not one to disobey my elders, so I rolled down my window and leaned out, firing at the black sedan following us. I felt like I was on one of those gangster movies! After a few turns, I managed to pop their front tire and we were able to shake them. Then, the car stopped, and we were right back where we started. The old lady clambered out and thanked me, then hobbled away down the street. I continued to the grocery store, but just before I got there, a police officer pulled me over and informed me my left rear brake light was out. I thanked him, got what I needed from the store, then came straight home. That’s all.”

  “Hmmm,” Matt’s mother looked thoughtfully at him. “I wonder why Mrs. Selfwill would make up such a story…”

  THE END

   

  And to finish this post off, I leave with an original limerick:

  There once was a fat man named Pete;
  And all that he saw, he would eat.
  But when a bomb he did see
  He ate it hungrily.
  And that was the end of poor Pete!

   

   

  • 11:25 pm
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