I don’t really care for ham. It’s okay every now and then, and certainly better than anything green growing out of the ground, but it’s just not that good to me. I’ve always wished I could change the stereotypical meal of Christmas from ham, or turkey (although I’d rather have turkey than ham), to steak. Or maybe ribs. Something beefy. I mean, really, who decided it should be ham in the first place?
So this year, for the pleasure and entertainment of you, my wonderful Xangan readers (And you, my stalkers from the Republic of Korea), I am bringing the beef to Christmas.
My Beef With Christmas
I. There is no beef!
It’s either the pig or the bird. But like I said, ham just can’t beat steak. I don’t care if it’s spiral, honey-glazed, cooked with pineapples, coming out of the kitchen of Chef Ramsey himself, you just can’t beat a good steak. Especially if it’s grilled to a perfect medium-well, covered in A-1, maybe a side of fries. Umph! You just can’t top that.
II. Reindeer? Seriously?
Travel with me for a moment. Leave behind your computer, your house, your city. Stand here with me, at the mighty Antarctic. The world’s largest desert. Covered in frozen mountains, deep cavernous caves, veiled in mystery. You are standing next to a large man, in a red suit, who claims he can travel around the world in one night with his magical sleigh, he just needs the right animal to lead it. He has chosen this place to be his headquarters. You spot, every now and then, the wonderful creatures that call this place home. The sharply dressed penguins, the playful seals, the beautiful penguins, the majestic polar bear, the amazing, awesome, marvelous penguins, the evil, penguin-eating killer whales, and the poor, victimized, yet still wicked awesome penguins. You look at the man, as if to say,”Well, which one?” He turns away and says,”Nah, these aren’t any good. I’ll have some reindeer brought in.”
Please tell me you would slap the man. I would. Why would you choose reindeer, reindeer, over any animal, especially penguins!!!???
He was a dang fool.
III. The Creeper
It’s 1:00 in the morning. You just woke up because you heard a strange sound coming from the living room. You pick up whatever random weapon you keep beside your bed for a time like this, and slowly sneak toward the door. When you pop your head around the corner of your living room, you see a fat old man, wearing a tight, red suit, and toting a big, red sack emerging from your chimney. He creeps toward you Christmas tree and sets down the sack. As he reaches into the sack, you flip on the lights and point whatever weapon it is you have at him. He jumps, then seeing you, he tries to stammer out an explanation.
“Oh! It’s you (he then calls you by name). You were asleep just a second ago. You’re probably wondering what I’m doing. Well, you see, I’ve been watching your kid(s) all year, and this year they weren’t naughty at all, so I put them on my nice list, and I remember what they told me they wanted when they were sitting on my lap, so I’m here to give it to them.. By the way, do you have any milk and cookies? Or maybe some carrots for my friends waiting on your roof? I’d have some eggnog, but I’ve got to visit to plenty of other boys and girls tonight.”
I don’t know what you would do, but I would use whatever it is in my hand, then get ready to take on his buddies on the roof.
IV. The Self-righteous, “Religious,” Modern-Day Pharisees
I am tired of hearing about so-called “religious” people who don’t celebrate Christmas because a) it’s pagan background, or b) Christ was actually born in March.
Most of our traditions can probably be traced back to a pagan background. Don’t believe me? Think about the next time you sneeze. Indians believed that when someone sneezed, their soul left them for a moment. In that moment, and evil spirit could enter the body, and the soul would be gone. So, to prevent the spirits from getting in someone’s body, whenever someone would sneeze, the would say, “Bless you.” Or at least their language equivalent.
And I have never seen anyone that doesn’t celebrate Christ’s birth in December celebrate it in March. So if you believe He was born, even if it was in March, you might as well celebrate when everyone else is. That way, you won’t look like a self-righteous snob.
And don’t give me none of that “Happy Holidays!” crap either! I don’t care who I offend with the word “Christmas,” it was here before their easily offended belief was, so deal with it.
V. The World’s Status Quo For The Season
The bar for buying gifts has been set so high by Hollywood and various other causes, I would dread to be a parent theses days. Especially with younger ones. Gifts are now expected rather than hoped for. When when I was a kid, I would simply hope for a type of present (i.e. a toy, instead of clothes.). But now, the expect a specific item, and the parent will feel they have let their child down if this item can’t be obtained. Thus the Black Friday mobs, and early bird specials. I think it’s pathetic.
I am not a scrooge. I love Christmas. It’s a great time to spend with friends and family, and to celebrate, or use one’s right to refuse to celebrate, Jesus’ birth. I know I won’t be getting much this year, but I’m okay with that. I’m just happy to be alive and well. I have things you can’t put a bow and ribbon on. We all do. Whether it be friends, family, the warmth of a house, the stability of a good job, and plenty of other things. So don’t get too caught up in the season, and enjoy yourself.
And have a very merry Christmas.
-Aaron the Tigah.
) so hope and pray that I can get internet soon!
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